What Does it Mean to Live a Full Life?
Are you living a “full” life or just a busy one? Do you feel that despite life’s challenges and setbacks that you have a deep sense of purpose and direction, or are you simply on autopilot, trying to get through all you need to do today? Are you soaking in your days, or are your days simply running away from you?
These days, when you ask someone how they are, the answer that often comes back to you is, “busy”. Somehow busy has become a socially acceptable, even esteemed construct. Some people wear it like a badge of honour. However, whilst people do indeed seem to live very full lives, we have a society with skyrocketing numbers of people experiencing anxiety, depression and burnout.
Living a full life means living a life of value. Instinctively, throughout the ages people have always wanted to live well. To live purposefully. To live a full life. And if “busyness” doesn’t quite cut it, what are some of the ingredients that help us create a life that matters? Let’s take a look.
KNOW WHAT MATTERS TO YOU
Living a value-filled life does not come with any particular set of conditions or prerequisites. You do not need to be rich, famous, healthy, old, young, high-achieving, or successful. You could have all the money, beauty and fame in the world, yet still feel empty and ask “What’s the point”?
Simply ticking off socially idolised goals or fulfilling assumed expectations is not enough to make us satisfied. Research shows that we are more content and fulfilled in life when we live by our values – what matters to us. Being value-focused can also help us build our resilience and psychological flexibility – we are more able to bounce back and recalibrate after life’s set backs. We can draw back on our values to help us decide how to move forward in a meaningful way, even though it may look different to what we had first hoped or planned for.
But do you actually know what your values are? People are often stumped by this question. Have you ever stopped to think – WHY do I do what I do? What actually matters to me? If you don’t know your WHY, then you run the risk of living by someone else’s standards and expectations, something you will never find truly fulfilling.
Here’s some questions to help you identify what you value:
If it was your 90th birthday party and your loved one (whether it be partner, friend or child) stood up and gave a speech about you and your life, what would you want them to say about you? Psst, we have never heard anyone say “they earnt a lot of money” or “they were at work all the time”.
Who is someone you admire and why?
You might not be living out all of your values perfectly right now, but they can still be a value you aspire to live out. Once you’ve got your values, then think, how can I take one step towards one of these values today?
EXTEND COMPASSION TO YOURSELF
Did you know that having the ability to be self-compassionate makes you more resilient than simply having good self-esteem?
Self-compassion is the ability to treat yourself fairly and extend yourself some grace. Why is it that we are often so good at being compassionate towards others, yet we are so brutal and unforgiving towards ourselves?
We only have one life and ALL of us are going to make mistakes. In fact, we will all make intentional decisions at times that in hindsight, perhaps we wouldn’t make again. Welcome to being human. When we hold ourselves to impossibly high standards of achievement without flexibility or understanding, we become susceptible to a sense of failure, burnout, anxiety and depression. Dr Kristen Neff is a leading researcher in the area of self-compassion and has identified that it has 3 main components:
To be mindful of your emotions
To treat yourself like you would a good friend
To take into account “common humanity”
What this means in a nutshell is that self-compassion is the ability to notice and respond to our emotions in a healthy way, to speak to ourselves fairly (like we would to a good friend) and to realise how our experiences and feelings are similar to what others would experience and feel in the same situation. Self-compassion allows us to break free from self-criticism, and move forward freely. We are able to open ourselves up again to new experiences and not let our mind hold us back.
Do you need to cut yourself a break?
BE PRESENT
One of the facts about our busy modern life, is that we so often live on autopilot and miss the simple things. The ability to be mindful, to be present in the moment, is a skill we are all rapidly losing. Just fifteen minutes of focused attention on simplicity, is good for our mental health. When we feel anxious, our mind is often focused on something in the future, and when we feel depressed, we are often ruminating about something that has happened in the past. To unhook and centre back on the right here, right now is a powerful tool. It calms our mind and allows us to fully participate in the moment – to seize each moment and get the fullness out of life.
But how can we be more mindful? Let’s keep it simple – just notice. Slow down any simple task or activity, like walking, washing the dishes, playing with the kids or eating a meal, and notice what you see, hear, feel, touch and taste in any given moment. Be curious and pretend like you’ve never done that task or activity before. See if you can find things you haven’t yet noticed because you’ve been too busy on autopilot. Go on, give it a go.
EMBRACE DISCOMFORT, CHOOSE COURAGE
The pursuit of happiness has lead us to become a generation of emotional avoiders. We don’t like feelings like sadness, fear or anger. We don’t want to feel bad. However, the truth is, there is no such thing as a bad OR good emotion. They are all natural and necessary for a full life. Emotions tell us important information and help inform our choices. For example, sadness tells us that we cared about something, anger tells us that something isn’t right, and fear tells us to be on guard for a potential threat. When we try to AVOID our feelings, we find ourselves engaging in all sorts of unhealthy habits to suppress our feelings, like drinking, putting excess pressure on ourselves, scrolling for hours through social media or engaging in excessive exercise. When we feel anxious, we might hold back from putting our hand up to try new things or seize new opportunities. We opt for “comfortable” yet we are not content. We start to miss out on the fullness of opportunities that life brings.
To live a full life, we need to learn to recognise and understand our emotions and learn ways to healthily meet our true needs. It is only then that we can make informed decisions about how to move forward well. And often we have to move forward with those uncomfortable emotions still present. We have to put our hand up for that promotion, or ask that new acquaintance out for coffee, jump out that plane with a parachute, or start that new business WITH anxiety, not without it. A full life does not mean we feel only happy, it means that we can choose how to act with the full range of emotions, because there is something more important on the other side. And it is often only after we act that our feelings get the memo. Anxiety subsides once we face our fears and realise not only did the worst not happen, but that we are capable of learning how to achieve what we thought was impossible.
If we wait on the sidelines until we feel comfortable to do something, we will always be waiting there our whole life. Living a full life requires us to seize opportunities and lead our feelings, not spend our time focusing on how to get rid of them. Courage is a choice not a feeling.
Chatting with a psychologist is a great start to learn how to embrace discomfort and respond to your emotions in healthier ways. Feeling anxious about doing so? That’s OK. Just think - your greatest achievements and accomplishments await you on the other side of your discomfort.
BE GENEROUS
There is an old saying – when you give, you receive. While there is much truth in the statement, it is not something that necessarily comes to us intuitively. Look at any toddler and you will realise that the whole concept of sharing is counter intuitive to human nature. Sharing and giving away their toys is not something many toddlers and children enjoy doing. Yet, as we grow, most of us do realise the value in sharing and giving away. That beyond mere possessions, the ability to be generous towards others adds value to our own lives and purpose to our living. A purely self-focused life becomes a lonely and frustrating one. Focusing on others rather than ourselves allows us to see a bigger picture and helps us to not get solely consumed in our own stories. Here are some simple ways we can give.
- Practice simple kindness. Give away your smile, a compliment, an encouraging word or be a listening ear.
- Share what you have. This can even be done anonymously which helps ensure that your motives are in the right place. For example, leave a basket of fruit on someone’s doorstep or a voucher in a friend’s letterbox.
- Volunteer your time. Time is one of the most precious things we all have, so volunteering your time with a charity or organisation doing good work in your community, is a great way to help others.
While being generous is simple, sometimes it takes practice. Keep looking out for ways that you can be a blessing to others and your life will be fuller for it.
AND FINALLY - REACH OUT!
Life is not meant to be done alone – we are wired for connection. A strong support system can buffer you against life’s hard knocks and bring a sense of joy and fulfilment.
Life is a continual work-in-progress and we are not going to have all the answers alone. If you need help navigating life’s challenges, focus on how you can strengthen your support network – and that network can include a combination of friends, family and professionals, like a psychologist or your GP.
Here at Full Life Psychology, we are committed to helping people on their journey to living a meaningful and full life. This is the heart behind why we do what we do. If you want any further information or support, give us a buzz. We’re here for you!
